"Mother, I'm home!" I shouted from the front door as I took off my shoes.
She must be cooking. I could smell the aroma of honey-roasted chicken from here. My stomach grumbles. I walked towards the kitchen.
"Welcome home, love. Dinner's almost ready. Why don't you take a shower first." she said gently. Despite all those nasty things people said about her, she continues to be such a gentle and kind human being she always was. I hate those people. Every time I see mom, I feel so angry at them.
I walked to my room. Changed my clothes and walked toward the bathroom. The house only has two bedrooms, a bathroom, a small living room and a kitchen. It belonged to my grandparents. They were farmers. The house is just enough for the two of us. One day, I'll never live in such a small house. I'll study up to university, have a good job, marry a nice man, and buy a big house. Of course mom will live with me.
After I showered, we eat together. Just like always. The only difference is, mom is not so chatty anymore. Recently, she stopped humming songs with her angelic voice when doing her chores. I wonder what's wrong. Maybe those nasty things people talked about worries her. Maybe she's stressed out because of it.
"Mother, cheer up!" I said, as we eat.
She seems puzzled, and confused.
"W-why should I cheer up? I'm always happy!" she replied, and smiled an angelic smile. She looked a bit awkward.
"Well, you looked quite stressed out recently. Do you have any problems? At work, maybe?
She laughed. "Ahh.. Maybe it's because of stress. No big deal. I'm totally fine. Don't worry. I'm the one who should be worried about you. Haha.."
"Who said I can't be worried? After all, we only have each other!" I smiled back.
Mom sighed. And she made the awkward expression again. It made me a bit confused too. But I just let it pass.
After lunch I help her with house chores. Nothing much to do anyways, considering there's just the two of us living in this small house. Then, we have our mother-daughter moment. We talked about what's going on with our life today, what we will do tomorrow, our dreams, a bit of mom's past...
Mom's open to talk about anything - her job at the bar, perverts who tried to take advantage of her, her life as a child, what were my grandparents like, her jobs when she was in the city. Everything, except one thing, that is of course - my father. It's been that way since I was a child. No matter how I beg her to tell me about father, she'll expertly change the subject. I'd made a big deal about it as a child.
Once, I did think that the things people talked about might be true. That mom doesn’t even know who my father was. When I was eleven, I asked her if that was true, she got angry and almost hit me. "It's not true! Don't ever listen to them!" she said with teary eyes. She hugged me and said "Darling, your father was a great man".
And that's the only thing I know about father. He was a great man. Since then, I never ask her about him anymore. I believe she has a real good reason not telling me about him.
Mom usually goes out to work at about 7.30 PM. She comes home at 2.30 AM. I usually am fast asleep that time. When I was little, she brought me along with her. I'd listen to her songs from the make-up room. It was like a lullaby. I'd sleep there until she finished her job. When I'm big enough to take care of myself, I stayed home alone. Mom works so hard to provide us comfortable living, even as a child, I can't ask for more.
"Amanda, I have something I have to tell you." mom said, looking more concerned than ever. It was right after dinner. She took a day off today. It's the third times in a month. She said she's not well. Well, she seemed unwell. But every time I asked about it, she'd say she's fine and changed the subject. I am concerned, but I don't want to trouble her more by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.
"What is it mother?" I asked. Trying to sound relaxed. It's something urgent. I can sense it by her tone and expression.
"Love, it's just.. Ah, I'm not ready to tell you this. But I have to tell you. I wanted to write it all down and let you read it after.... Oh, Amanda. You have the rights to know this before that. How can I tell you something like this..."
It's like she was talking to herself, not me. I feel more and more anxious. Is it about father? Or...
"Mandy, dear... I, I might.. er, not be able to be with you any longer.."
"What?! Why? You want to leave this town? Just take me with you."
"No, darling. It's not as simple as that. I wish it was as simple as leaving town. But, I, er.. I might leave this world soon. And I can't take you with me."
"What do you mean?! You're kidding me?? This can't be.. NO! Tell me you're lying! NO!"
It was a massive shock. I refused to believe it. It has to be a lie. But mom's face was so serious. And I can see her eyes pooling with tear. It took me a while to accept that she was not lying. But the shock, it's too huge to handle. We found ourselves crying, hugging each other.
I did not know how long we cried and embraced each other. After we calmed down, mom explained that she has liver cancer. It was so aggressive that she can only live for another 4 months, at most. She was diagnosed with it 2 months ago.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Even then, there's nothing that I can do about it."
"But you can try to slow it. How about chemo? And surgery?"
"Even surgery can't cure it right now. And the chance of death due to treatment is too great. I can't gamble the 6 months I have for an agonizing life of chemotherapy with risk of dying any moment just for another nonguaranteed one or two years more. I can't risk my 6 months of life to be with you just for that. I want to live a happy last 6 months of my life. This is another reason why I kept this from you."
"It's hard for me to accept, mother. It's too sudden!"
"Mandy love, think of it like this: You have 4 months to prepare for this. Let's do everything together. I'll teach you everything; I'll tell you anything that is to know about this life. You're a tough girl, so you'll manage anywhere without me!"
"But..." But what about university? What about finding a good job? What about buying a big house and live there with you, mother? I can never do all that without you, is what I want to say. But she'll be sad if she hears it, so I just kept it to myself.
"Mother..."
"Yes?"
"You said you will tell me anything.."
"Yeah..."
"Even about father"
"...."
"Mom?"
"Yes, darling, of course. I'll tell you everything."
"The truth?"
*smile* "When did I ever lie to you, my Amanda"
She must be cooking. I could smell the aroma of honey-roasted chicken from here. My stomach grumbles. I walked towards the kitchen.
"Welcome home, love. Dinner's almost ready. Why don't you take a shower first." she said gently. Despite all those nasty things people said about her, she continues to be such a gentle and kind human being she always was. I hate those people. Every time I see mom, I feel so angry at them.
I walked to my room. Changed my clothes and walked toward the bathroom. The house only has two bedrooms, a bathroom, a small living room and a kitchen. It belonged to my grandparents. They were farmers. The house is just enough for the two of us. One day, I'll never live in such a small house. I'll study up to university, have a good job, marry a nice man, and buy a big house. Of course mom will live with me.
After I showered, we eat together. Just like always. The only difference is, mom is not so chatty anymore. Recently, she stopped humming songs with her angelic voice when doing her chores. I wonder what's wrong. Maybe those nasty things people talked about worries her. Maybe she's stressed out because of it.
"Mother, cheer up!" I said, as we eat.
She seems puzzled, and confused.
"W-why should I cheer up? I'm always happy!" she replied, and smiled an angelic smile. She looked a bit awkward.
"Well, you looked quite stressed out recently. Do you have any problems? At work, maybe?
She laughed. "Ahh.. Maybe it's because of stress. No big deal. I'm totally fine. Don't worry. I'm the one who should be worried about you. Haha.."
"Who said I can't be worried? After all, we only have each other!" I smiled back.
Mom sighed. And she made the awkward expression again. It made me a bit confused too. But I just let it pass.
After lunch I help her with house chores. Nothing much to do anyways, considering there's just the two of us living in this small house. Then, we have our mother-daughter moment. We talked about what's going on with our life today, what we will do tomorrow, our dreams, a bit of mom's past...
Mom's open to talk about anything - her job at the bar, perverts who tried to take advantage of her, her life as a child, what were my grandparents like, her jobs when she was in the city. Everything, except one thing, that is of course - my father. It's been that way since I was a child. No matter how I beg her to tell me about father, she'll expertly change the subject. I'd made a big deal about it as a child.
Once, I did think that the things people talked about might be true. That mom doesn’t even know who my father was. When I was eleven, I asked her if that was true, she got angry and almost hit me. "It's not true! Don't ever listen to them!" she said with teary eyes. She hugged me and said "Darling, your father was a great man".
And that's the only thing I know about father. He was a great man. Since then, I never ask her about him anymore. I believe she has a real good reason not telling me about him.
Mom usually goes out to work at about 7.30 PM. She comes home at 2.30 AM. I usually am fast asleep that time. When I was little, she brought me along with her. I'd listen to her songs from the make-up room. It was like a lullaby. I'd sleep there until she finished her job. When I'm big enough to take care of myself, I stayed home alone. Mom works so hard to provide us comfortable living, even as a child, I can't ask for more.
****************
"Amanda, I have something I have to tell you." mom said, looking more concerned than ever. It was right after dinner. She took a day off today. It's the third times in a month. She said she's not well. Well, she seemed unwell. But every time I asked about it, she'd say she's fine and changed the subject. I am concerned, but I don't want to trouble her more by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.
"What is it mother?" I asked. Trying to sound relaxed. It's something urgent. I can sense it by her tone and expression.
"Love, it's just.. Ah, I'm not ready to tell you this. But I have to tell you. I wanted to write it all down and let you read it after.... Oh, Amanda. You have the rights to know this before that. How can I tell you something like this..."
It's like she was talking to herself, not me. I feel more and more anxious. Is it about father? Or...
"Mandy, dear... I, I might.. er, not be able to be with you any longer.."
"What?! Why? You want to leave this town? Just take me with you."
"No, darling. It's not as simple as that. I wish it was as simple as leaving town. But, I, er.. I might leave this world soon. And I can't take you with me."
"What do you mean?! You're kidding me?? This can't be.. NO! Tell me you're lying! NO!"
It was a massive shock. I refused to believe it. It has to be a lie. But mom's face was so serious. And I can see her eyes pooling with tear. It took me a while to accept that she was not lying. But the shock, it's too huge to handle. We found ourselves crying, hugging each other.
I did not know how long we cried and embraced each other. After we calmed down, mom explained that she has liver cancer. It was so aggressive that she can only live for another 4 months, at most. She was diagnosed with it 2 months ago.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"Even then, there's nothing that I can do about it."
"But you can try to slow it. How about chemo? And surgery?"
"Even surgery can't cure it right now. And the chance of death due to treatment is too great. I can't gamble the 6 months I have for an agonizing life of chemotherapy with risk of dying any moment just for another nonguaranteed one or two years more. I can't risk my 6 months of life to be with you just for that. I want to live a happy last 6 months of my life. This is another reason why I kept this from you."
"It's hard for me to accept, mother. It's too sudden!"
"Mandy love, think of it like this: You have 4 months to prepare for this. Let's do everything together. I'll teach you everything; I'll tell you anything that is to know about this life. You're a tough girl, so you'll manage anywhere without me!"
"But..." But what about university? What about finding a good job? What about buying a big house and live there with you, mother? I can never do all that without you, is what I want to say. But she'll be sad if she hears it, so I just kept it to myself.
"Mother..."
"Yes?"
"You said you will tell me anything.."
"Yeah..."
"Even about father"
"...."
"Mom?"
"Yes, darling, of course. I'll tell you everything."
"The truth?"
*smile* "When did I ever lie to you, my Amanda"
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