When that day when mom takes her last breath finally came, I couldn’t shed a single tear. I cried myself to sleep the night before that and every single night since the day I found out about her condition. But never in front of her. Though I’m sure she knew.
But that day, I just stared at the lifeless, frail body the cancer had left her with, somehow secretly thanking God that her sufferings finally ended.
The second thought that crossed my mind that fateful morning when I realized she will never open her eyes no matter how many times I tried to wake her up is that, I was finally left alone in this world.
After the funeral, I realized that there was nothing else left there in that small town. So I left. I left the town and went to the city. Exactly the thing mom did after her parents died. I’m her daughter, after all.
I came to the city where I was born. I’ve been to the city a few times before with Max. Finally, I left for the city. I can’t help feeling overwhelmed.
Truthfully, I didn’t have a single clue back then. But before anything, I have something I want to confirm. So I found myself standing in front of a big house on a high-end street. Without even thinking, I rang the front bell.
I didn’t expect I will be invited in so easily, I remember being enticed by the luxurious interiors. Thinking back, it wasn’t that special. The me now can buy even five houses of that kind.
There I was, being mistaken for a maid applicant. Sitting in front of me was a 60-something old lady, asking about working experiences and what not.
My eyes can’t help but wonder around the room. There was a neatly painted family portrait. The household consist of six people - the lady and her husband, a daughter, a son-in-law and two granddaughters. I knew that it was an incomplete portrait. It was missing a family member. And the missing one surely was the one in a portrait hanged next to the family portrait. A young man, in his twenties, smiling handsomely and kindly, wearing a suit, looking so elegantly.
That was the face I’ve been longing to see for so long. Even just in a picture, I was really happy that I finally get to see what he looked like.
“Excuse me, miss. How long will you keep me waiting? You’re not here for a sightseeing, are you?”
“Err, ma’am. I think you are mistaken. I’m not looking for a job.”
“What?! Then why did you came here for?!”
She looked rather furious. As mom said, she’s not friendly at all.
“I’m so sorry, ma’am. My name is Lilly Grant. I am the daughter of Andrew Grant. Is a man by the name of James Evans lives here?” I blurted out the script I’ve been memorizing and repeating in my mind for months.
As I thought, hearing that name the colour of her face changed. She looked at me with the eyes of horror. She glared at me for awhile. Then her face turned suspicious.
“Who are you, young lady?” she ask with icy cold voice.
“I’m the daughter of the late Andrew Grant. He said Mr. James was a very close friend when he was young. My father had been sickly these past few months, and a week ago he passed away. But one of his dying wishes is that he wanted me to find Mr. James and express his appreciations and thanks for all that Mr. James did for him. Is he home? Mr. James, I mean.”
This story I made up wasn’t that far from the truth. It was not my dad, but my mom who died recently. But it was for my own selfishness that I came here. Even though I don’t know what I’ll gain from this. Even though I know...
“Young lady, I’m sorry for your lost but the person you’re looking for isn’t here” she sighed, with a bit sadness in her eyes.
Of course. I knew that. It’s just... I don’t know. I just came.
“Oh. So, when he’ll be coming back?”
I know that he won’t ever come back.
“He won’t come back, young lady. He went to heaven long before your father did.”
I tried to look shocked. Of course I know that, grandmother!
“I’m so sorry ma’am. I didn’t know. My father had lost contact with his friends for too long. We live abroad, so it couldn’t be help. I just come back a few days ago. I’m sorry again, ma’am.”
“It’s alright. It was already long ago. It’s you that has been dealing with a recent loss. I bet your father can tell what he wanted to say to James himself.” She said, looking sympathetic.
Mom said if this madam heard once of her name, her reaction could’ve been the opposite. And if she knew who I was, I’ll be chased away in an instant. The lady wouldn’t care less if mom had passed away. She hated her. For her, mom was the cause of everything. That’s why I choose this method. I have to pretend that I’m unrelated to her. I have to ask more questions.
“I’m sorry, madam. I’ll take my leave now. But if it’s okay, would you tell who you are to Mr. James? And when and why did he die?”
“Can’t you already guess that I’m his mother? He died about 12 years ago. It was a murder! You’re making me think of a painful memory, so I think it’s better if you leave now. I’m sorry for your loss and all, but your business here is done!” she snapped. It startled me. Even after all those years, she still not able to accept it. Mom was like that too, to the point that she couldn’t even say his name.
As I leave I said, “Thank you for giving birth to Mr. James, ma’am. Even that I never get the chance to meet him, I know from someone that he was a great man.”
I saw her face soften a bit.
I never want to step even a foot to the Evans household again. I did not belong there, nor that I ever will. Even though my name is Amanda Evans – just a name given by a father I never get the chance to know.
Then I walked to the street, illuminated with neon lights, to the future that was unknown to me back then. This city – where it all started for mom, ironically where everything ended for her as well, welcomed me to its arm.
With the story of mom’s past, I walked to my future.
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